Sadly, or otherwise (I'm not yet sure), my time at the llama farm is over. It's time to ask myself some serious questions now that the time of having future plans is over. Here are some of them:
1. What do I want to do with my life? Is it enough just to have experiences like the llama farm which were "Ok" or does life need to be "Great" to be worthwhile? Is a situation in which you're having an alright time but have no chance of meeting anyone your own age ok? How can I distinguish between doing things which are just "passing time" or "treading water" and things which are "worthwhile" in some way?
2. Do I want to end my summer holiday and turn up in a country at war, in a city (Tel Aviv) which has just been specifically mentioned by the enemy as under threat of bombardment?
3. If I dont' want to go to Israel just now then what do I want to do? What can I do that satisfies the unknown conditions which satisy the quetions in point one? Should I just go to Israel anyway to somehow prove that terrorists won't change my life, or should I stay put for a while to relieve the worried minds of my friends and family?
4. Assuming that answering point 3 leads me to staying in France, do I want to live in Toulouse Avignon or an as yet unimagined place. Is France even the right country (it seems like it is as I already have a decent amount of language)?
5. Is it worth signing up to a period in a country including getting a place and a job and possibly a girlfriend when I secretly have hopes of ending up somewhere else (i.e. Israel)? What if I meet a girl and have to choose between love and plans? What if I don't meet a girl and end up as a total lonely loser?
So, as you can see, a tricky set of questions I've got to try and work through. Much more likely is that I won't answer any of these questions, and just end up muddling through to a conclusion of some kind. We'll see. The one thing I know is that being at the brink of an event horizon beyond which you have no plans, no country, no companions and no idea of what you're going to be is a strange business. It's not exactly fear that I'm faced with. More a kind of fuzzy confusion, like being hung over, or really hungry. Actually that might just be hunger. I can't distunguish between any of my emotions which is confusing. Ahh.....
wahhhhh stop thinking right now
ReplyDelete1) life is rarely "great" all the time. just make sure you're getting a couple of "great"s now and then to put your misery into perspective
2) for the love of God don't go to Israel just yet. terrorists may not change your life but they could bloody well end it
4) France, well, ties in with 1) i guess
5) gosh Rob you're a hopeless romantic aren't you!
i think you need to be still for a while. honestly, stay in one place, be restful, meditate. then it should all come to you either in a dream or maybe one day your head will just magically unfuzzle
best of luck and big hug, i'll be checking up on you
Hello. Jenny, I dont know who you are, but I think you're very wise! I concur with all you said. I also think these mini-existential crises are typical of people in their mid twenties. I had no idea really of what I was doing or where I was going for most of the time I was away, Rob. You never know whats going to happen tomorrow, and thinking about problems that MAY occur should you stay in Toulouse is an exercise in futility. I say if you're happy there and you think you might like to stay a bit longer, do. And take some time to think about what you might like to do eventually. It'll pop into your head when you're on the toilet or in other such unlikely places, I bet.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts and words. They mean a lot to me in this foreign land.
ReplyDeleteRob